The Freedom of Forgiveness: Letting Go to Move Forward

Is there someone you need to forgive? Maybe a parent who let you down, a friend who betrayed you, a spouse who hurt you, or even yourself for mistakes you've made? Holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. It doesn't harm them—it harms you. Forgiveness isn't about excusing what happened; it's about freeing yourself from the burden of bitterness.

Many people misunderstand what forgiveness is. It doesn't mean forgetting, condoning, or reconciling with someone who continues to harm you. As author Lewis B. Smedes wrote, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself—a decision to release the emotional grip that resentment has on your heart.

Unforgiveness takes a tremendous toll on your well-being. Research shows that chronic resentment is linked to increased stress, anxiety, depression, and even physical health problems like high blood pressure. When you refuse to forgive, you remain emotionally tethered to your past, unable to fully embrace your present or future.

The Bible has much to say about forgiveness. Ephesians 4:31-32 instructs, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger... Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." This doesn't mean the hurt wasn't real or that consequences don't matter—it means choosing not to let the offense define your life.

Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event. You may need to choose forgiveness daily, especially in the beginning. Dr. Everett Worthington, a leading forgiveness researcher, developed the REACH model: Recall the hurt, Empathize with the offender, offer the Altruistic gift of forgiveness, Commit publicly to forgive, and Hold onto forgiveness. This framework helps you move through the process intentionally.

Empathy is a powerful tool in forgiveness. This doesn't mean excusing the behavior, but it does mean recognizing that hurt people hurt people. Understanding the brokenness in someone else's story can soften your heart. As therapist Brené Brown reminds us, "Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals."

Forgiving yourself can be even harder than forgiving others. Many people carry shame over past mistakes, believing they're unworthy of grace. But 1 John 1:9 promises, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." If God forgives you, who are you to withhold forgiveness from yourself?

Forgiveness doesn't always lead to reconciliation, and that's okay. Reconciliation requires both parties to acknowledge the harm and commit to change. You can forgive someone and still choose to maintain healthy boundaries or distance yourself if the relationship is toxic. Forgiveness is about your healing, not about restoring a harmful dynamic.

Sometimes, the person who hurt you may never apologize or even acknowledge what they did. You can still choose to forgive. Your forgiveness isn't contingent on their repentance—it's about your freedom. Matthew 18:21-22 reminds us that forgiveness isn't a one-time act but a lifestyle: Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive, and Jesus replied, "seventy times seven"—meaning limitless.

Letting go of grudges doesn't happen overnight. It's a journey that may involve grief, anger, and sadness. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment. Journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or working with a counselor can help you process your pain in healthy ways.

If you're struggling to forgive, professional counseling can provide the support and tools you need. A trained therapist can help you work through deep wounds, identify unhealthy patterns, and develop strategies for releasing resentment. Forgiveness is one of the most courageous acts you can undertake, and you don't have to do it alone.

Remember, forgiveness is not weakness—it's strength. It takes courage to let go of the need for revenge and to choose peace instead. When you forgive, you reclaim your power and your future. You're no longer defined by what was done to you but by who you choose to become.